Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Randomize
