Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
Go christen that room with your naked body.
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
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