did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
the only thing coherent you said from what i saw of you is when you were throwing up, i asked if you were done and you just "uh huh you know what it is"
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
