At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
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