Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
She actually made an event on facebook for tomorrow when she does a pregnancy test, 8 people are attenting so far
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
please don't ironically join a cult
Randomize
