Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
Good face, no body. And apparently her vagina is related to chewbaca.
so i just googled the prescription for aldara i saw on your desk this morning...
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
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