i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
Randomize
