I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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