I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize