Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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