Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Randomize
