I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
I cant believe we actually had a nipple party!
He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
