don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
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