So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
Randomize
