the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
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