I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
Randomize
