her eyes looked like someone had poured fruit punch in them. needless to say we had a good time.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
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