Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Randomize
