how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
i would like you to please flash back to us blacked out in the bathroom when you told me i needed to take one for the team and have a threesome with you and jon to help your relationship. you then told me you had no issue putting ghb in my drink to make it happen.
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
Randomize
