Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
Randomize
