so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
dude i doubt hes gay
I CAUGHT HIM BEATING OFF TO MENS HEALTH!
Just saw an Asian kid crash into the bike rack with his bike. I love sitting outside the engineering building.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
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