I accidentally had phone sex last night
I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
Randomize
