The parties out here are fucking awesome and I've got the grades to prove it.
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
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