so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
