So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
