Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
And then she said we stopped for a train and i tried crawling out the back window.. again, i dont remember this.
just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
he doesn't sweat normal. maybe that's what THC smells like coming through the sweat glands...
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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