all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
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