Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
