I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
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