If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
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