Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
Our adventure is going to pick up his pipe and weed that he ditched when he got pulled over the other day.
HOT DATE.
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
I plan on gettn treatment center drunk
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
Randomize
