That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
I remember asking you "need some dick tonite?"
Yeah I guess to me frat party equals penis party. oh the wonders of vodka.
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
I will be naked everywhere
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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