I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
I think it's safe to say that I made out with the entire msu campus this weekend
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
false alarm, still single
Randomize
