when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
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