About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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