So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
My vagina is officially offended.
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
Randomize
