Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
Randomize
