I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
Randomize
