new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
I am full of burrito and curiosity
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
