I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
Am I undercharging for one hour of sex per essay? I need a serious business answer.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
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