so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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