totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
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