There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
Validation I posted a good pic? The lonely fuckboys send out the booty call signal. Of course I answered the call; Gotham needs its hero.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
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