im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
Randomize
