Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
Well, he sent me "techno kitty adventure" about 10 minutes ago. So, he could be anywhere.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
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