Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
Randomize
