is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
Landen experienced Greenville for the first time last night. He was awaken by 2 cops and 4 EMS guys this morning in the bed of that truck that is for sale at the swashbuckler carwash, said he was trying to walk to waffle house... Greenville- 1, Landen- 0
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
Randomize
