I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
Check out this gay circle: I've now hooked up with my ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend, and most recently my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend's ex-fling.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
Randomize
