can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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