My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
Randomize
