Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
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