My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
so... thinking about masturbating finally
taking the losers way out I see
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
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