I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
His "hunger Strike for change" lasted 4 days. Hi welcome to my coke binge last weekend....not impressed
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
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