the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
Getting high on the stoop of a brownstone in the middle oh harlem. Doesn't get much more hey arnold than this.
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
He is saved in her phone as Sir. Mindfuck <3/ vag cleaner of course I need to meet him.
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