So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
so i might have figured out why that girl isn't talking to me...I'm 90% confident I didn't give her a pillow when she stayed over >.>
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
Randomize
