She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Randomize
