I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
Randomize
