For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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