i think i just saw hanson at the grocery store. one might have been a girl. hard to tell. lets call that one taylor.
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Randomize
